Vol.13 No.6

Set Free
"I was imprisoned in silence because of sexual abuse. Then, God set me free."
By Amy Knight

As a toddler I loved to talk. I never had an imaginary friend; I had an imaginary audience. It was “Amy’s Show” and the host was yours truly. When I was three and a half, I told a story to my first real audience—about 500 church members. I was fearless, innocent, and outgoing. Less than two years later an event changed my life. It silenced my voice and imprisoned my spirit for many years.

WHY, GOD?

When I was five, a preteen boy in my neighborhood began sexually molesting me. I was too young to understand what had happened or why. The event left me ashamed, confused, guilty, and afraid. To keep me quiet, he threatened me. It worked.

Emotionally needy children are easy marks for pedophiles. I didn’t know that then, so when a church member’s teenage son sexually assaulted me at ten, I believed that somehow I was to blame. It was as if I wore a huge sign—”Abuse me.” I became very withdrawn and depressed.

Raised in a religious home, I struggled with the question, Why, God? If you are so good, then why? I read in the Bible that God is good, just, and cannot stand evil. I interpreted this and the events in my life to mean that I must be a really bad girl. That was why God was punishing me. I tried to pray, but it was not like talking to a friend. To me God was unpredictable. I believed He didn’t want to see me happy. I was afraid to hope. God seemed very far away.

I knew about God, but I didn’t know Him. I sort of understood His judgment, but not His grace. So I worked hard to “get in good” with God and make others happy as well.

By my mid-teens I had been on several mission trips and was known among my peers as someone who knew what she believed and was not shy about sharing her faith. From outward appearances, I had it all together. But looking deeper, you would have seen a little girl playing a role, terrified that she would be found out.

However, God had not left me. During the dark times in my life, He would pull back the heavy curtains to let a glimmer of hope shine through. It was during one of these times that He led me to Psalm 138:8: “The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O Lord, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.” That verse became my verse.

In the midst of dark moments and days that turned into months and years, I cried out to God, sometimes just clinging to the first part of that text about His purpose for me. Other times, in the midst of some personal fall, I would plead, “Please God, don’t leave me! I want to be yours! Please help me!” Today, I am writing this because He intervened.

THE ANSWER COMES

God sent information into my life. This allowed me to see that what had happened to me as a child was not my fault. I was not to blame.

I did not have to continue down the self-destructive path where my life was heading. It didn’t happen overnight, but slowly I began to heal.

I have a friend who was burned badly as a toddler. She had several skin grafts, and as an adult, she still has scars. It hurts me to look at them, but they don’t hurt her.

I too, have my scars. Some have faded. Some will be with me for life. But the beauty is that they don’t hurt any more.

As I look back, I can see that just a little information spoken by the right person or some intervention, could have changed my life. I could have found the happiness that I now possess so much sooner. We tell our children what to do if approached by a stranger, but we often fail to inform them of what to do if a classmate, teacher, friend, church or family member abuses them. Many are suffering because of this failure.

We must not pretend that child molestation does not exist, for there are children who will never truly understand God’s love because of the guilt, fear, and misunderstanding that sexual abuse fosters. There are adults who still suffer childhood wounds, adults who are walking around like the living dead. They are trying to make their lives look right, afraid to really trust a God who allowed such pain to take place in their lives.

HEALED TO HEAL OTHERS

The Lord has given me a burden to help sexual abuse survivors by sharing the message of hope and healing revealed in His Word. I want to encourage them to seek the help which leads to healing and hope.

Out of all my years of hurt, heartache, and pain, good is coming. I can see a greater purpose. I have recovered my voice. I am making a difference. My life has truly come full circle.

Again and again, God has shown me how much He loves me. He has restored my happiness and more than made up for all of the years of hurt that I suffered.

God has a purpose for you. He wants to perfect all that concerns you. He wants to restore any wasted years that were not as fruitful as they could have been. Joel 2:25. He challenges you to let go of the hurt, pain, and disappointment, whatever is keeping you from fellowship with Him and the body of Christ.

Finally, He wants to comfort you so that you can be His arms and hands, caring for His wounded children. “Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort  them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3, 4. He wants to work mightily  through you.

All things can work together for your good. Romans 8:28. I am a living testimony. God is good.

* Amy Knight is a student at Hartland College and an editorial assistant for Last Generation.